The whole world is brain washed.

That is what my husband said out of anger today. Everyone but him. He will later blame the medicine he is taking and the wine. I don't know what to think. Some times he scares the shit out of me. If I had the money I would leave. Its times like this that I really and truly hate him. He wonders why we don't have sex. Would you want to be with some one who feels he is never wrong. He comes home in a bad mood and then wonders why we fight. He makes fun of the shows I watch. I do not understand him. I make his dinner plate I walk it to him and I still get treated like a second rate person. It states he was mad cause two days in a row his truck was not filled with gas. Oh my god!! Lets go gun down his boss. I am so suppose to feel sorry for that. Just once I would like him to allow me to vent. But that will never happen.

Cycle shell

Well we are getting to that time of year where my husband gets really bad. I am hoping this year will be different. (LOL) This year I spent alot of money on his gift. He begged for a cycleshell for his motor cycle. http://www.cycleshell.com/

I hope this keeps him happy. At least till spring.

Farm Town Updates and (guys who are pigs)

I have to say farm town was getting old since I had reach level 34. But now I back in. They add more levels add the ability to own a second farm and you can decorate for the holidays. Plus there are more crops to chose from. They now have 8hr and 12hr crops. Which I love because I can seed before work and harvest when I get home. I am now on level 46 and climbing. The beggars seem to be less lately. I think they have got the hint they wont be hired by begging. But every once in awhile you have the person who tries to hit on you. This I don't get because they have no idea what you look like. So let me tell you what happen to me and how I handled it.

I hire a person named Jason to harvest my crops. He is almost done when he says can I ask you a question. Then says promise that you wont get mad. I say ok. Well is asked if I have big boobs. So I tell him no cause I am a guy on likes to wear women's clothes. He freaked out. But before if let my farm I clicked on him so I could send him mail. So I sent him mail asking where he was from and would he like to met sometime. Well he answered back by cursing me out and tell me to leave him alone. Well about a week later I wrote back and said I hope you learn your lesson about asking girls personal questions. By the way when I went to look up what Jason looked like on Face Book he did not have a picture. I think that in its self says alot.

Health Care

I am far from an expert on the health care issues, but I do know that something has to be done. What I don't like is that people who have never had to worry how they were going to pay for their child's meds is making the decision for us. Plus you know that they are getting a kick back from the insurance companies and drug companies. Also I hope that everyone looks at what the government is planning in health care before they make up their minds whether they like it or not.

Please don't believe what the senators have to say we all know they have their own agenda. All I know is something has to be done or people like me will be using my whole paycheck to pay for health insurance and will have nothing left for the copays let alone food. Right now close to 17% of my pay goes to health care. That is not counting my copays through out the year. About another 7% of my pay went to that.

So calculate what you are paying and you may be surprised. Remember we are already paying for the uninsured. Part in our taxes and part in the rising cost.

Car Problems

Let me just tell the car problems we been having lately. First I am driving my car with husband in passenger seat. "What the hell noise is that?" he says Of course I say it always makes that noise. Well it is not suppose to. So that was the axle and boot. The car now comes home making a different noise. This after my husband and brother in law say they fixed the first problem. Then a few days later my battery dies. Get a new battery go to gas station the next day before work and my car wont start. The battery cable was loose. Husbands car the super charger belt breaks off causing another belt to break and the pulley. Then a week later his battery dies. So far its been about $500.00 worth of little stuff going wrong all around the holidays. What more could a women ask for.

Of course this whole time tring to keep husband from running out and buy another car. He does know we can not afford one. With both our health insurances going up at work and no raises. That is a cut in our pay!!

Good Mood

Well my husband made it home from his weekend away. He honesty seems to be in a good mood. Even though the belt broke on his car and he could not fix it himself he wasn’t mad. I know this may sound a little strange but this is weird. I am waiting for the bomb to go off. I don’t know if its because he wants to make sure he gets his cycle cover for Christmas or if its something else. I just haven’t seem him act like this before. He is trying to tell me its from his therapy. Which he has been going to for over a year. I can not understand how it would just kick in now.

Ok lets change gears a little here now. I have told you about a friend of mine whose is dating a control freak. He has hit her in the past. She got in fight with him and he was about to hit her so she told him that I knew about the incident and that I took pictures of what he did to her. Now is feels he cant trust her anymore that she is a liar and never wants to see her again. Well thank god. I don’t think they are really done though. I don’t know what needs to happen for her to wake up.

I have to apologize for not writing in awhile. My husband has been having a ruff time. No raises at work bills piling up, and just life in general. He saw his therapist last week and came home in a good mood. I have to say I was surprised. He is trying to roll with the punches. I have been the depressed one. I can not stand making nothing in a pay check. Worried about Christmas around the corner. Plus have been stressing about my health.

Last week my husband says his brother invited him up to his cabin in the mountains. He says hes going. So I say great have a good time. But in the back of my head my inter voice keeps saying you know he wont go. Why you ask do I think that. Well he dose this all the time. First he complains his brother never invites him any more. Then when he does he says yes and at the last minute calls him up and says he is not going. So last night I ask him whats the game plan for the weekend. He starts complaining and says he really didn't invite me I don't think I will go. So I say I knew you weren't going to go. What do you mean he replies. Well you do this all the time, why do you think he really don't invite you any more. He knows you wont go. He tries to say he has to always do the dishes and has to sleep on the floor. So I just agree with him and think to myself why do you complain that he never invites you if you really don't want to go.
Well he must had thought about what I said and decide to go. He called me at home this morning and asked if I would pack his bag for him. I will find out for sure when I get home if he actually went. I did tell him if he does go don't come home in a bad mood.

Clever Girl Goes Blog: End of summer mail.

Clever Girl Goes Blog: End of summer mail.

Back to school

Here we go again! Back to school. My son started middle school yesterday. He is now a 7th grader. I can hardly believe it. He has a locker and has to change for gym class. Of course last night the homework wars have begun. He ask for my advise and when I give it to him he doesn't like it and gets mad.

Example: Mom I need to say why our family is unique. Me: Well you can say your only sibling is 16 years older then you. Him: Ok had to I show that. Me: I have a picture you can take to school. Him: OMG I am not taking that picture in my hair is to short.

Then of course my husband wants to know whats going on. Which I lie and say nothing. Believe me its easier that way. My son and will get past this quickly but if my husband gets involved then it could me hours of fighting.

My daughter says I baby him. Maybe I do but isnt that a mothers job?

Farm Town part 2 (tips)

I love this game. I just found out a coworker joined Face Book. So of course I am telling her all about Farm Town. I read other peoples post about this game add my comments that may help them. Today I hired two people to harvest my farm and I notice one of the girls first went for my trees. Which I don't mind, but I thought it was strange. So I went to her farm only to find out she is a newbie. So I sent her a private chat to let her know always start harvesting with the good crops first. Especially if there is more then one person doing the harvesting. You don't want to waste time on a crop that will yield you 20 coins when you can be harvesting pumpkins that give you 118 coins. PLEASE DON'T BEG TO GET HIRED!!!! Most people ignore the beggars. Make sure you say hello, and answer people. That is what most people want when they are looking to hire someone. When you get to the farm please say thank you. Then when finished ask if you can harvest. The other thing I don't like is when I am in the market place and out of no where someone wants to add me to their buddy list. I don't know you, so please don't add me. If I work on your farm or you work on mind and we get to talking then we can be buddies. You can earn xpoints my working on your neighbors farms and coins. If they have not water their flowers yet you can do it for them and make coins. One of my neighbors I can make up to 65 coins just by water her flowers. Which also saves her coins because you have to pay to water your own flowers.

Farm Town

I have to say that my life has been taken over by a game called Farm Town. I play it through my Face Book account. My husband thinks its a waste of time and a waste of the use for the computer. Which I believe is only because he doesn't know how to use it. But on to the fun stuff!! Farm Town is a very addictive game. You start off with a small plot of land and build it up with houses and fences etc. I seen so many different designs and people writing their names with flowers and making faces from their crops. You make more coins by helping others and having others help you. You helps to make neighbors to help you on your farm. You get better rates with you neighbors and buddies, then with strangers. I have talked with people from England, Ireland and Canada. My son seems to think its an old person game but I have seen people in their 20's play it up to their 50's. If you get a chance you should check it out for yourself. You can also play it off of myspace. GOOD LUCK!

Lay offs

Well today my husband finally told me why he has been in his "mood". Some of the other workers feel that there may be a layoff. I wish he would not worry about that. No one from management said anything like that. But once its in his head he cant get it out. Sometimes I wish he would take meds for this. I would like to know what it is like to come home to someone who was almost always in a good mood. I hate having to tip toe around most days. I hate feeling my issues are not as important as his. Lately I have been given in to his rants. Mostly when they will in the end come back around on him. I thought why fight when I know he has to see the light on his own. Sometimes it takes years and other times a few minutes. The only down side of this is when he tries to turn it around that it was his idea the whole time. EXAMPLE

Me: When you take a shower open the door. Don't turn on the fan. Remember the guy told us it not going out of the attic.
Husband: That's bullshit its not going to rust the nails in the attic.

10 years later

Husband: I told you don't use the fan its rusting the nails in the attic!
Me: You always use the fan!
Husband: Not since the guy told us about the nails in the attic!!

Flower Tags

My husband and went to our therapy appt. today. For two weeks now I have held in my angry over something my husband did. I wanted to discuss it in front of the therapist so she could see what I go through. In the spring when we bought flowers I wanted to keep the flower labels in the ground with each new plant we bought. We were trying new things this year. He did not want to do that but said ok. Then every so often he would bring it up and I said no. Well he decided to take them out anyway. Never said a word to me. Well we get to therapy and this is the first thing I bring up. He makes it sound that its not important. They are just labels. He also said that he was embarrassed to have them in the ground. I feel as if my things my thoughts are not important to him. Its what he wants (what looks good to him). He hasn't taken care of our driveway which is full of weeds. I'd say they are about 3 inches high. I would be more embarrassed by the weeds than flower labels.

I know this is not a major incident but its the same thing with alot of other things. I feel I also need to go his way. I asked him to hang his towel on one shower rod instead of both of them. (So it would not get wet when someone is in the shower). He could not do this because it hurts his back. Then he tells me not leave my book in the bathroom on top of his magazines because its to hard to put his magazine back under my it.

Son's birthday

We had my son's birthday party this past weekend. My husband cleaned up the yard. Which in tailed-cutting the weeds, cleaning the lawn chairs and tables, moving his motorcycle and the bike cycles to another location. The bikes were tarped and locked. I did all the cooking and cleaning inside the house. We had two parties, one was just for his friends and the other was for the aunts and uncles. My sister-in-law went with me to the pool for the kids party. We had a great time. Of course our son made out pretty good on the money for gifts. There were no arguments and everyone left happy.



The price of the parties was alot. I cooked myself except for a pizza at the pool and the cake ate the house. I must have spent about $150.00, if not more. Then you wonder would it be cheaper to have it some where else.

Domestic Violence

One of my best friends is in need. She told me she needed to talk and my first thought was another fight with her boyfriend. I met her in the parking lot of our local store. Before she told me what was going on she made me promise first to listen to everything she said before I spoke and to not tell anyone. I agreed of course.

Well she took off her shirt and showed me her bruises. Her and her boyfriend got in a major fight. She wanted to let me know she did fight back. Deep down inside I knew this would happen. All her friends knew it would happen. But some how we go on with our daily lives like nothing is going on. She wants to stay with him!!

I am a little afraid that things will seem better and I will forget this and then he will hurt really bad or kill her. I want to shake her and make her wake up, but we all know that will not work. All I can do is listen and remind her people don't change.

Birthday

My sons birthday is next week. He is turning 12. Wow they grow so fast. We are going to have a party for him and my husband is not sure he wants to invite his brother. There has been some tension there lately. You know how families can get. I would like to see my husband push past this and invite his brother. But that is not my call.

Of course all this has been causing my husband stress which makes him anxious. When he feels that way everything at home has to be just so. He likes things neat and in order. Which I am not even close to that. Don't get me wrong our house is clean and neat but I like to keep all my paper work on the kitchen table spread out. Well he hates that. I hate when he makes me pile it up. That causes me stress.

On top of all this my daughter is moving in to her new home which needs alot of work. They were going to move in this weekend now after I sent out the party invites she decided they want to move the weekend of the party.

Back on Track

We seem to be back on track. Thank God!! I think once he gets things off his chest he feels much better. I have to admit I still go back to when we lost the house we were going to buy. I still feel the pain in my heart. It will be a year in 4 days. I think it might take another year to really feel better about the whole house issue. When I do think about it my eyes tear up my chest hurts. My husband and I have heard the word no for so long now you think we would be use to it. When people say it was meant to be that to me feels like a sack of shit.

Some times it just seems that life isn't going your way. You sit back and watch your friends have their good times, yes sometimes bad times. It seems to be more good then bad. They go on vacations have great Christmas's' and birthday parties for their children. You just wonder what you did so wrong in life to be where you are.

Don't get me wrong I know there are people alot worst off then me. We just seem to be stuck in that spot of too much money for help but not enough to pay all the bills on time.

Worried

Things seemed as if we were going back to the old ways. My husband has been getting angry at everything again. I tried to do what our therapist said to do but it did not help. So then I get angry. Which turns in to a major fight. Well it was time for our therapy apt. He didn't want me to go with him. I said this is our marriage so its our problem we need to go together. I called our therapist two hours before our apt. letting her know I needed to talk about how my husband has been acting. So she took us in individually for about 10 minutes each.

Well I found out several things that have been his triggers. One our daughter bought her own house. (In the past we were all going to buy a house together, the buyer of our house backed out. It broke our hearts) Then the guy who it his car with the company truck told him since he did that now he not getting his raise. He said it has if my husband should not have said anything. OH WELL. He doesn't deserve a raise.

So now that everything is out in the open I hope things will come down. I not sure how to block this out. I need to find a way to listen and not take it personally.

Camping Trip

My son left for his school camping trip today. The will be gone for three days. I am excited for him but am at the same time worried. He dose have a bit of his fathers temper in him. All the kids will be staying in cabins. I am really hoping that they don't get much rain. They will be going on hikes rain or shine. This is not the first time he has been away for several days. He did go to Florida with his older sister this pasted Christmas.

So the next few days will be just me and hubs. We really don't see much of each other durning the week since I work nights and he works days.

My husband finally got his car back from the accident. He is really happy with the new paint job. It dose look much better!

Cooking

I do have to say things have been better. Even when one of his coworkers backed into his car with one of the company trucks he wasnt mad. Now that surprised me. I dont know if it was because he is going to get the paint job for his car he always wanted or something else.

The one thing that still sets him off is our son. He can not handle our son getting angry over his games. He just wants to go upstairs and rip the system out and throw it away. So over the weekend I discovered this show called Cooking Yourself Thin. II thought I would try a couple of these recipes. Since I work nights I was going to make two meals in the same day. Well since my husband was not handling ours sons temper on his games very well, it meant he cant handle anything well. Now here I am cooking for my family (which I don't do much of) and he is getting mad saying it was too much and I was making a huge mess. He said noway was he going to help me clean up. Did he enjoy the meal I made? Of course he did.

Now do I look at this as he was stressing over our son and let it go? Do I bring it up later and say how it made me feel?

About two weeks ago the three of us went to therapy. I think my husband and son need to go together. It just so happen that my son was off from school because of spring break. I think it went well. But I do believe they need to go more often together. Well this past week has been a little tough. My husband wanted to trade in his motor cycle (which I was not happy about) and was turned down for a loan. I should tell you its the same company he has the loan now through. I believe its all to do with the bad economy. We just paid off our car and had no lates on our report.

The reason I tell you all this is because now my husband will be in a funk for at least a month over this. So alot of bad moods. Which for him means he needs more control. Even though I know all this it doesn't make it any easier on me. Which means things have to be done his way. I want some control and end up spending money we don't have. Also I get a little pushy when he is acting all controlling which cause problems also. Top it all off a check bounced.

The daily worries

Well today has been a little hectic. My day started with taking our dog for her morning walk. For some reason she did not do her morning business. So half hour later I tried again and again still no luck. Since I had to go to my part time job this morning I put her in her crate. So when I got home for lunch she finally did her deed. I told my son I would leave a note to let him know if she went. Well husband got home first and must have taken advantage of that note and didn't take the dog out. He made the dog wait an hour till our son got home and made him take the dog out.

He then calls me at work to let me know I left the bathroom door open (with the dog lose). But thank god there was no mess to clean up. The dog loves to pull stuff out of the trash can. Plus I left the bedroom light on. I quess this means when I notice a mistake he makes I should call him at work.

The shut off notice came for the water bill today. What else is new. Some how I got lucky and mailed the car insurance just in time or it would be cancelled. Between the bills and father and son fighting on who does what, I need a vacation. Since the bills are over due I guess thats not going to happen any time soon.

Well after my full time job today I will go home and crawl in bed (I work nights) and read "Twlight". That will help me unwind!

WOW

I have to say things have been going really good. We have had two counselling appts since I last posted. We decided we needed to do more things together. We talked about bikes in session. To be honest I really didn't think anything would come from that. But that weekend we went out and bought bikes. Now its a family outing! My son loves to go riding with us. Its mostly a weekend adventure. I agree I would stay in the living room when I read so my husband doesn't feel alone. The thing he needs to work on is trying to talk to me while I'm reading. I give him the warning "Do you want me to go upstairs?". That gently reminds him of our agreement. So we went for our next appt. there wasn't much to talk about. So the next appt. he will go by himself. He needs to work on several issues he has.

Feelings

We went to counselling last week. We got alot of things out on the table. This week has been good. Not sure if its just holding back or its real change. I don't know where my feelings are right now. I guess I have been numb for so long now its hard to find them. I have lost so much of my self that I am not sure what I should be feeling. My one girlfriend has been helping me by getting me to go out with her. It really helps alot. Sometimes I feel like a teenager trying things out for the first time. We go again on Monday. We have a homework assignment. We need to grade our marriage. Its different aspects of our marriage we need to grade. We are not allow to discuss it till our appointment. Then after that we need to think about it for 2 days before we can talk about it again. I think we may be far off on alot of things. I will let you know.

The Look

My girlfriend just got back from vacation with her boyfriend. She was telling me how her boyfriend was fixing her bathing suit top while they were walking. Well he tripped and fell. She said he looked up at her and gave her the meanest look a person could give. Of course I know that look. I call it the look of a thousand hateful words. Its as if by you just being there with them when something happen it was all your fault. I don't know if this is common in men or just these two. My husband tries to say he wants me to see his pain. First off I see you fall or hammer your thumb, I know it hurts. All that looks says to me is that you hate me at that moment. That maybe some how you think I have become a witch and put a cruse on you. Believe me if I could do that then it would not have been something so little as a fall. Maybe you are embarrassed that people saw you do that, nah cause you do when we are alone also. Well my girlfriends revenge was when they went par sailing. He didn't want to be dunked in the water. Well she had the guy dunk him three times. I just take my husbands clean towel and clean the bathroom floor and hang it back up. Life is short nothing is worth the dirty look to the one you are suppose to love.

Working nights

Well I have to work nights for awhile. For some reason this cause much discord in my home. My husband and son say that it is difficult for them when I am not there. I drag out the crock pot so they have a cooked meal when they get home. My son doesn't like dad being the boss. Sometimes I don't blame him. I feel guilty working nights, but then again I kinda like having the mornings to myself. I get alot more done. Plus its less time listening to all the whining (from both of them). My son spends half the night in his room playing xbox and my husband comes home from work and sits on the couch watching TV till its time to go to bed. When I am home and want a little time by myself I will go upstairs and use my laptop. Next thing I know here he comes upstairs and says what you doing? He also started this thing where he has to go everywhere with me. Oh My God!!!!!! What a pain in the a$$. I got lucky this last weekend cause he was sick. So I got to go food shopping with out him. But yet still cursed cause it was a three day weekend. So working nights for awhile might just be what I need.

Better

We had are therapy appointment and was a good one. We were able to see some of my husbands triggers. Alot of it has to do with his brother. I also think so many things have gone wrong its hard to look for the positive. He knows these are not excuses and that he needs to keep going. I really think he likes going. He needs that person to talk to to get everything off his chest. I need to learn to be patient and to word things a little differently. After years giving back what you get its hard to let that part go. If I dont change then I cant expect him to.

Driving

The other day I called my husband before I left work to say I needed to run to some stores on the way. He said no we will go together since we were going out that night. So I said OK. Well on are way to the last stop we were at a traffic light. Two cars were coming from the opposite direction with their blinker lights on. My husband was just sitting there waiting and finally notice they were turning. Then he got mad and said the guy waited to the last minute to turn on his turn signal. I said he had it on the whole time. Well you would think I accused him of killing someone. Then later he stated that maybe he really didn't want to do all that running around or maybe it was just his pride. I side with the pride. Tonight we go to therapy. Hope it helps!